My Zentangled Life

Relationships, life, depression, crafts, and more.

I did something I never thought I would do — August 29, 2015

I did something I never thought I would do

Yes, I sure did. I have thought about it, but wasn’t sure which one to pick in a sea of 1000 choices. I enrolled in an online university.  😁

I have been have bouts of depression more often lately. So many things are not going right so it really put me in a funk. When I get like this I withdrawal… I write… I cry… I do dumb things. I have realized in life that it’s not always smart to make decisions when I’m sad/happy/pmsing/depressed/anxious. So that basically means I can’t ever make a decision. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a libra and I was born indecisive. I don’t know if it’s because of my thoughts and insecurities. I guess one day it will hit me. But for now, I have a very hard time deciding anything.

So two days ago I woke up feeling sad and like a loser. Then a bright light came on. My inner voice said, “Ok that’s enough of this feeling sorry for myself stuff, do something!!!” So I have done the following in the past 3 days:

  • Updated my resume
  • Decided I do not want to work in Human Resources forever
  • Decided I will still continue to apply for HR jobs, however I will not make my final career choice in that field.
  • Enrolled in college for a BA in Psychology

That is the most decisions I have made in the past 15 years! I am proud of myself but I am scared. I don’t want to fail, I don’t want anyone trying to get in the way, and I have to stay motivated for the next 4 years and beyond because I also decided I want a Masters and PhD. 

I hope this helps me in many ways including learning about my own depression so I can help others. I’ve always read self-help books so I know a lot about the subject already. 

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Migraine migraine go away, please don’t come back another day!!! — August 24, 2015

Migraine migraine go away, please don’t come back another day!!!

  I had a major migraine attack yesterday.. I have had headaches, pretty much have one every day, but yesterday it turned into a migraine from hell! My sweet daughter came over to take me to the hospital. I hate having her see me in that much pain. We went to the emergency room. It wasn’t very packed but it was the most unorganized e.r. I have ever seen! They have you waiting in the lobby with a very loud TV blaring, loud people and kids running around screaming . People need to control their kids better, but that’s another post. Then they SCREAM your full name (in a small lobby) and take you to a room to ask you 435,654 questions. Well if you ever had a migraine you know that you can’t remember shit! Well at least that’s how it is for me! They poke you , prod you, take your blood pressure. Then (I guess I’m starting to look old), they ask you if you still have periods or have had a histerectomy (sp?). Do I really look that ancient???? Then they send you back to the noisy hell , I mean, lobby where you wait some more. Oh you think that was fun?! Now they call your name over the loud speaker where they ask if you have insurance and money to pay for today’s visit. No, sorry I don’t Ms. Billing lady. I am what they call..”broke”. I am on disability and barely make enough to eat but Oz… I mean Obama has mandated that I have health insurance. So I don’t qualify for Medi-cal and “obamacare” costs way to much for me to be able to pay rent AND health care. So I chose rent, cause I don’t want to sleep in my car so I can afford health insurance. So after I am made to feel like the scum of the earth cause I’m broke, they send me back to the lobby. 
Oh fun! More screaming kids and more people! I’m in tears at this point from the pain. The light is bothering me, the noise is making my head throb and I want to barf. 

Finally I see a doctor who asks me the same 456,324 questions and then asks me to list all the meds my neurologist has tried on me to help prevent migraines….are you f:;(&ing kidding me?! It was so long ago, we tried like 10 different meds and oh yea I have A MIGRAINE AND I CANT REMEMBER MY NAME RIGHT NOW MR. Doctor! Plus it’s not like he’s gonna give me a prescription for something anyway cause I DONT HAVE INSURANCE … So after that fun experience, guess where he sent me!? Yep, the good ol’ lobby. 

About 20 more minutes or so a nurse calls me back..  Oh hallelujah!!!!! So I go back to this tiny room and more questions are asked and even though my issue is on the computer in front of her she asks what brings me to the er! Migraine… I’m in a lot of pain… So she goes to get my shot and 2 pills…. 15 minutes later she comes back, FINALLLLYY!!!! So she gives me the shot and 2 pills and sends me back to the lobby……. They want me to wait for my urine test results. But the previous dr said they had to check my urine to make sure they can give me the shot?!? Ok, whatever… So we sit in the lobby for over an hour or so when they finally call me back to discharge me. 

We were there for around 5 hours and I probably will never go back there. Even though the wait wasn’t as bad as other ers, I can’t stand the disorganization and making me feel like I’m scum because I don’t have insurance. 

…end rant…. Lol 🙂

Happy Mail — August 17, 2015
Alcohol should be illegal- foul language ahead. Proceed with caution — August 16, 2015

Alcohol should be illegal- foul language ahead. Proceed with caution

Ok I’m not going to pretend I never drank, cause that would be a lie. What I will say is that now that I don’t, I’ve realized how damaging it is to not only the drinker but the relationships around the drinker. 

They say the truth comes out when someone’s drunk and I believe that. I’ve seen it and done it. I feel my marriage is damaged partially from it. I don’t see that damage ever being reversed cause it’s happened too many times to count. 

Tonight(this morning) was the topper on the alcohol cake. It’s almost 2am and there’s arguing outside. I am usually awake at this time so I was taking my dog out to use the restroom before we go to sleep. I heard arguing. I knew what was going on before I even heard the drama-filled story. Rude jerk neighbors (rjn) had a party and invited my (soon to be) ex-husband. They have been drama in the past and tonight was no exception. Apparently some words were said that were fightin’ words. EH and his drunk crew were gonna fight. Thankfully that didn’t happen and no one was hurt. However that worked up EH to a “I’m around my friends so I can be an asshole ” attitude. He disrespected me in front of his friends – badly. Now, on a normal occasion (when we were together) I would just suck it up and cry. Not tonight my friend- n.o.t. T.o.n.i.g.h.t. I gave him a very clear piece of my mind right in front of his drunk crew. Of course, as usual, drunk crew friend “k” tried to talk me into a calm state. Nope. Sorry. Not tonight. 

This lady is tired of being disrespected. She’s also tired of being mistreated and dealing with drunks. 

He comes into my room to attempt to apologize and tell me I didn’t hear what I heard… Mmmkay… Yea, NOT tonight! 

And this was reason 543178 why I must move on from this pieceofshit… I mean relationship. 

Queen Mary — August 14, 2015

Queen Mary

I went to see the Queen Mary yesterday and it was magnificent!! It’s such a huge ship that it literally took hours to see it all! It was so relaxing… I need to do things like that more often.  

    
 

Stay or no? — August 8, 2015

Stay or no?

Its been difficult deciding if I should stay with him or not. He’s so sweet when he wants to be but there’s times when he’s extremely difficult and does things that make me question whether or not he really wants to be with just me. I have even made a pros/cons list and unfortunately the cons to staying is a longer list than the pros. I really feel he loves me but I also feel he doesn’t want all parts of a relationship, just some , when it’s convenient to him.  

 

     — August 5, 2015
August challenges —
Blogging 101: Day 2 — August 4, 2015

Blogging 101: Day 2

Today’s assignment: edit your title and tagline.
Ok so I changed it yesterday to “she writes” but it’s boring to me… It doesn’t say much about me other than   I “write”… Maybe it’s enough? Well for now I will leave it…:)

Too much  —